| i'm going to hibernate for awhile.
i wish cassie were here.
oh how i wish she were here. |
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| it's as if you read my mind and did the exact opposite.
did i get kicked out?
oh well.
this is a stupid state i'm in and i want out.
i've become silent lately. my words are not as important as others.
my laughs are still just as valid and frequent but my words are fewer.
i want to move when GOD moves but in which direction is he going?
i want a milkshake but that's just totally off topic.
this is killing me.
i was happier in california because i was not with friends but they wanted me around.
now i'm here and friends are around but they don't always want me.
i need to learn that my joy does not come from people alone.
my joy comes from the LORD for he has made a heart that is happy.
we were made to serve him
i also need to stop liking boys. THAT is my downfall.
i cannot help it. i was made to love some man but he just hasn't come around yet. waiting for him everyday, but GOD's my guy. i'm his girl |
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| to drive a stick-shift on my own tonight.
i am a mess.
if i didn't know better i would say i am slipping into a spirit of depression but i do know better.
i do know that the JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH.
yeah...
bean there. i so miss matt. i so love him.
i'm scared of friends.
i'm scared of moving forward.
i'm scared of staying still.
i'm scared i'll just never find it, ya know.
when i pray for others i am so there! like the holy spirit truly comes but when i pray alone for myself i cannot focus, i cry out but i get no answer.
i need others to intercede for me.
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| i had many dreams about chocolate chip cookies last night.
i stayed the night jackson's last night with ian and ariel. i really adore these people. fell asleep worshiping God and delving into his holy word.
BUT- that boy treats me as if i do not exist. i was one of his close friends. we were getting there and now, he will say a group hi and bye to me. i do not understand this. there are many breakthroughs that have happened in my life that i really wanted to share with him because i had just begun to trust him with my secrets. he was the one who encouraged me to breakthrough and it happened one day. i told him a couple days ago that i wanted to talk to him about so much and he said we will. he has barely even talked to me as an acquaintance. it's frustrating and distracting. i do not want to be distracted.
but God and i are still hanging out so much despite that silliness.
we read in John how true worshipers worship in spirit and in truth.
which basically translated to me that we must have the doctrine and the holy spirit. we cannot worship out of emotion. we must worship out of fact and faith. we must know why we are worshiping and that what i so don't like about many churches, they "worship" for the mere fact of it feeling good. but then that's one reason why i don't like my church because they do not worship they just focus on the technical aspect of things. i am going to extremes on these. it's general because i know their are balances in there.
anyway. jackson and ariel are both at work now. the cats are attacking my immune system so mama's coming to pick me up and ian just got outta the shower.
gooooodbye
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| felt a little depressed last night. like one of those nights that if cassie were home and if i had a car i would have gone straight to her house, we would have talked and prayed. didn't happen, so i just prayed by myself and it's amazing how much peace God can give you if you ask. and it's amazing that sometimes i feel like i don't even want peace. like it makes me feel more alive to be saddened. and that's stupid. but the joy of the Lord is my strength.
then mama said some words to me that were discouraging. they weren't meant to be, it just happened at the time where they were the last things i wanted to hear. but i talking with ariel last night was great. she's surely an encourager, an inspirer. my life would not be the same without these people. it still hasn't even been a week and i have seen them everyday for 6 days straight. i would not change that for the world. every time God is there. who would have thought that you could hang out with God in a car of four people. i cried in that car twice. i do not cry, but MAN, God has broken me. he has changed my life forever by placing these beautiful people in my life.
on another note, i want to find my passion.
another note, i want to get that love from you.
one more note, i shouldn't be jealous.
final note, where to now?
my allergies are whhhacked out, man. it kinda sucks.
i miss kelsey. where are ya chick?
i felt like a teenager yesterday. i helped out at Bayside highschool because mama's doing the hair and make-up for their school play and she hired me to be her assistant. (this is through mister whiting, he's a good guy) and so i was there for about 4 hours. OKAY, so highschool. then mama had to drive me around because i have no car. then she bought me dinner. then i was about to go to youth group, which actually didn't end up happening.
it was just kinda funny.
sleep is not really a necessity for me anymore.
but i am ready to work, forreal. this hair and make-up thing will be good. mama won't even be there for the performance. just me. so that'll be a great experience.
okay, i do miss people but i just miss God more, ya know. i don't mean to be ignoring friends, i just want to spend every moment with God, i don't want to miss those moments. ya know. ah |
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